I Only Have Two Cheeks: Is it Worth it to be the Bigger Person?

How long will I continue to do what is right and feel like I am losing? When will it be my turn to be acknowledged for my sacrifices? When will people truly see the reasons behind my actions? Is it worth it to always be the "bigger person"? Talking to my friend on our designated FaceTime call, she expressed how draining it is to do the right things that still feel wrong.  As I tried to convince her that being the bigger person is worth it, in the end, I started questioning my own beliefs. So I had to ask around – 9 Sciences Po students were prompted with this question engaging in a debate with no foreseeable end.

What does it mean to be the bigger person?

Being the bigger person is undeniably difficult. Its definition varies—some see it as a dedication to friendship, others as a testament to maturity, and a few as a commitment to honesty and truth. Many associate ‘the bigger person’ with traits such as setting aside their ego, knowing when to let things slide, and being willing to resolve conflicts even when they are in the right. It involves the ability to compromise to prevent situations from escalating. For some, it embodies maturity and the capacity to evaluate situations, people, and culture.

Is the bigger person someone who dislikes conflict? If so, are they still the bigger person? 

Some believe that "the bigger person tends to isolate themselves." Suggesting that aversion to conflict is a common trait among ‘bigger people.’ They often seek to minimize disagreements, viewing them as arduous and futile. However, this raises the question of whether this behavior is driven by self-interest. Can we differentiate between those who avoid conflict for egotistical reasons and those who embody the bigger person? 

We can't distinguish between the two, but some participants argued that the bigger person is comfortable with conflict and expressing themselves. According to the same perspective, the bigger person would initiate a disagreement to express what is ‘right.’ However, this leads to a never-ending loop: is it justifiable to initiate conflict on the basis of right or wrong? This way of thinking is subject to a binary view of arguments, where one is right and the other wrong. In this case, isn’t it better to ‘swallow one’s truth?

What if being the bigger person means allowing most things to slide... 

I questioned whether the bigger person is someone who will let things slide, most disagreed, viewing this behavior as passive or ineffective in achieving resolution. But how does one find the confidence to assert themselves when they feel they are right and thereby initiate conflict? The decision to engage in conflict doesn't emanate from the certainty of being right; rather, it often reflects a sense of being "stuck" in an argument, conflict, or situation. Thus, the optimal choice may be to express one's thoughts.

Is being the bigger person akin to "turning the other cheek"? 

To "turn the other cheek" is to respond to an insult without retaliation, displaying a sense of moral and mental superiority. The adage advises individuals not to retaliate against those who have wronged them. But why adopt such a passive stance? Why welcome insults and endure pain? Participants in the discussion contested the notion that being the bigger person equates to turning the other cheek, arguing that this method generates an "identified victim."

Is the bigger person the victim?

“People do not always perceive the bigger person as a victim, believing that they always have the capacity to choose.” Being the bigger person can provide a sense of rectitude and moral superiority. Participants in discussions argued that the bigger person often opts for moral superiority to achieve personal satisfaction, wanting to confirm within themselves that they acted in accordance with their values. 

However, isn't this a trap? 

Often, being the bigger person becomes an assigned role within a group dynamic. So, can one escape this role once it has been assumed? Participants noted the difficulty in rejecting this role and even referred to the bigger person as being a personality trait. “It's just the way I am,” remarked one participant, also sharing that she is known as someone who avoids conflict. If being the bigger person is seen as a personality trait, how can we ensure that we do not compromise in academic and professional settings? 

Depending on the person, “the bigger person” changes its form. Some avoid conflict at any cost, and some initiate it to express truth. In this sense, the bigger person cannot be defined, making one ponder if this phrase is even relevant if it can be denoted with every behavior? 

I would like to thank everyone who participated and shared their insights. Special thanks to Sophie, Yeva, Saskia, Chaya, Isabella, Izzy, Eleana, Luna, and Manoah.